Helping Without Harming: How to Stop Enabling an Alcoholic or Addict

Mitchell Curtis
Mar 28, 2022
3 min read

Updated: Oct 13

Many people trying to support a loved one with an addiction unknowingly contribute to their continued substance use. This article offers practical, compassionate advice on how to stop enabling behaviour and start encouraging recovery.

A worried woman looks at her partner who is drinking, illustrating how loved ones may unintentionally enable addiction while trying to help. — Concerned woman watching her partner with a drinking problem

Understanding Enabling: What It Really Means

Enabling involves shielding a loved one from the consequences of their actions, often with good intentions. These behaviours can be hard to spot but play a major role in delaying recovery.

Recognising Enabling Patterns

Taking over their responsibilities at home
Covering for missed work or social obligations
Offering financial help or housing
Downplaying or hiding their addiction
Making excuses for their behaviour

A woman unknowingly enables her alcoholic husband out of love, preventing him from facing the consequences that could lead to change.

Signs of Enabling are often subtle but cumulative. While often rooted in love, these actions can prevent a person from experiencing the discomfort that may prompt change.

Why It Matters: The Impact of Enabling on Recovery

When someone doesn’t face the outcomes of their addiction, there’s little motivation to seek help. Enabling creates a buffer that protects the addiction, not the person. Why Enabling Prevents Recovery is a well-documented phenomenon.

Helping vs Enabling: Know the Difference

To make real change, it’s crucial to distinguish support from enabling. Helping empowers; enabling disables.

Helping

Encouraging treatment
Setting clear boundaries
Encouraging participation in 12-step meetings

Enabling

Excusing harmful behaviour
Providing money for unknown use
Hiding consequences from others

Actionable Steps: How to Stop Enabling an Addict or Alcoholic

Step 1: Set Boundaries That Matter

Define what behaviours are acceptable in your life and stick to your decisions. Boundaries should be about protecting your wellbeing, not trying to control someone else.

Example: “I will not allow alcohol in my home.”

Refer to our guide on what to say to a loved one who is addicted to a substance.

Step 2: Allow Consequences to Unfold

Stop stepping in to prevent natural outcomes. If your loved one loses a job or faces legal trouble, these moments may lead to a turning point.

Step 3: Say No to Financial Support

Avoid providing money or covering living expenses. Financial support, even for necessities, can sustain addiction indirectly.

Step 4: Redirect to Healthy Support Options

Rather than rescuing, guide your loved one toward helpful resources:

Do's and Don’ts of Supporting Without Enabling

The do's and don'ts of supporting an alcoholic or addict

What to Expect When You Change Your Behaviour

When enabling stops, the reaction from your loved one may be emotional. Anger, guilt-tripping, or withdrawal are common. Stay firm and seek your own support network to manage this transition.

For more help, visit support for family and friends.

Alternatives to Enabling: What You Can Do Instead

Instead of stepping in, consider:

Practising detachment with love
Focusing on your own healing
Rebuilding your social and emotional wellbeing
Seeking guidance from professionals

Al-Anon and Other Support Resources

Groups like Al-Anon Family Groups South Africa help families and friends understand addiction, stop enabling, and find peace despite their loved one’s choices.

Family members gathered in an Al-Anon meeting, offering mutual support as they cope with the challenges of a loved one’s alcoholism. — Al-Anon Family Groups South Africa

Family support for addiction recovery

Group	Description
Al-Anon	An international group supporting friends and family affected by a loved one’s alcohol use.
Alateen	A youth-focused division of Al-Anon created to support adolescents with alcoholic family members.
Families Anonymous	Families Anonymous helps those worried about the drug use or behaviour of someone close to them.
GRASP	GRASP (Grief Recovery After Substance Passing) is a support group for those grieving the loss of a loved one to substance abuse.
NAMI	The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) provides support for loved ones of individuals facing mental health challenges.
Nar-Anon	A worldwide group offering support to relatives and friends of those struggling with drug addiction.
SMART Recovery Family & Friends	This support group takes a research-driven, gentle approach to helping loved ones, offering an alternative to Al-Anon.